***
All lawyers are divided into two categories: Some know well the law, others the judges.
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What else have you got except wit, honor and consciousness? – Bribe sir!
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A policeman is standing on his post. Every day, a “Lexus” stops at the same time and a driver hands a hundred greens through an opening window. But one fine day, it doesn’t happens, and the next day, and a week later… After two weeks, the familiar hand reaches out money again.
The policeman: “I haven’t seen you for a long time for some reason”!
Voice from the car: “Yes, I had a rest in Malta”.
The policeman: “How?! On my money?”
***



***
Post of STP. A lonely standing policeman sees a granny walking towards him with a lean cow. A granny approaches and starts hammering in a peg next to the policeman. Then she ties the cow to the peg. The policeman getting stunned:
- Mother, are you crazy? It isn’t a pasture here!
- Oh, sonny, I don’t know, but you were such a thin here last year...
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The bill on "No steal" was discussed in the first reading in Duma. PMs made 39 amendments to this bill.
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How is your new chief? Is it possible to work with him? –
- A fine man! It is possible not to work at all with him!
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Corruption = monopoly + arbitrariness - responsibility.
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At a military registration and enlistment office the officer by definition of military specialities talks to the recruit:
- We would like to define you where you approach more. What civil speciality do you have?
– I am a tax inspector.
– Excellent! You will shout in barracks « Rise! » - you have already got used to be hated.
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The living wage is scientifically proved calculation which is necessary for people that authority lives well.
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The chief addresses to the accountant:
- Listen, you work at my firm more than 10 years and never asked about increase of your salary. What dark affairs do you do here?
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The Baku Santa Claus: Hello, kiddies. Buy presetns!
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Emperor Peter I decided to issue in a temper a decree, according to which, any official stolen a sum equal to the price of a cord, will be hung up. However, his associates unanimously declared that the sovereign would remain without homagers in that case.
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The trucker is arranged to work in police. The commander sends him with more skilled partner to the route with radar. The commander asks in the evening:
- Well, how are your successes?
Skilled one answers:
- What successes, I stand with radar and that one sits in car and winks the headlight!
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***
The governor of the state, where people anyway lived rather poor increased taxes twice, as the shah did not like that the population did not show their discontent: "It means they have evil intentions". After a while, the ministers informed the shah that the population did not react to the increase of taxes. The shah got frightened even more: "They indeed prepare for a revolt. I will raise all tariffs and prices five times. It is necessary to reveal all the organizers of a revolt ". And it was done. However, the people kept silent. Then the shah decided to take an extreme measure. He put two bouncers in front of a bridge at the city entrance and ordered to rape all the entering and leaving citizens. After a while, he was reported that a few old men wanted to see him on behalf of all the people. The shah was delighted. The old men were let in. "Well, what you are dissatisfied with"? - he asked strictly. "We are pleased with everything. But only two bouncers at the bridge do not suffice. The long lines are formed. Just raise their number "...
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- Doctor, I cannot breathe through my nose!
- Breathe through your mouth.
- Thanks, doctor.
- Not thanks, give ten dollars!
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If the Traffic Police earns on roads – then let each of its units repair its part of a road!
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To pronouce the names of foreign currencies were forbidden in Russia. Legislative officials began to take bribes in rubles. The Central Bank immediately responded to their complaints: that suitcases are too weighty, they are hard for dragging from work home and released a five-thousandth denomination at once.
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There is such jumble and corruption in Russia that they can sell satan with horns
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- Doctor, is it possible to make amputation of honesty here?
- Yes, of course, but you should pay beforehand.
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A Japanese official goes to China. This Japanese official earns $10 000 a month, but lives very modestly. One day he meets a Chinese official and sees that this Chinese official earns $100 a month, but has a big, beautiful house.
He asks:
- How is that, your salary is only $100 a month, but you have such a house? But, I earn $10000 and I live as a hare...
The Chinese official takes the Japanese to a window, shows the road and says:
- Do you see the road?
The Japanese answers:
- Yes, I see.
Chinese official:
- I received 25 % from them...
Then the Japanese official goes to Nigeria, meets an African official, and the same incident repeats again. But the African official receives not $100 dollars as Chinese, but $10. But, his house is much bigger.
Japanese again does not understand and asks:
- How is that?
African official takes the Japanese to a window and says:
- Do you see the road?
Japanese looks:
- No, I do not see, there is no road there.
- Yes, there is no road there, the African answers, - I got 100 % from that road!..
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Guys in camouflage and masks rush into the firm in the heat a working day and say:
- Lay, this is a robbery!
The chief accountant falling on the floor: "They have frightened me. I thought they are from tax police... "
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***
There was a joke how a Georgian visited V.I.Lenin's mausoleum during Soviet period. To the question whether he stood in a queue for a long time, the Georgian answered: "Listen, why do I need a queue? I gave bribe and they took me in".
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The sum of money stolen from you if did not exceed that you have stolen is spiritual happiness
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Three «new Russian» men caught a gold fish. The fish begged:
- Release me – I’ll realize your three desires.
- Oh, we have everything!
- Maybe, you need something ….
The first «new Russian» scratched his head:
- Well, I bought the site on Madagascar, and there are huge ants...
- I shall conjure a small ant for you - he will gobble up all of them and then will die himself.
- But, I bought a house in Spain and there are big cockroaches there.
- I shall conjure a small cockroach for you - he will gobble up all of them and then will die.
The third «new Russian» one - in a whisper:
- Hey, fish, don’t you have a little tax inspector?
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***
One day tax inspector, SMVI officer and the customs officer go to restaurant. They eat and drink well. The waiter brings the account. He presents the account to the tax inspector. He was indignant: "Robbery! Tax check-up will come here tomorrow! "
The waiter is frightened and presents the account to AMVI officer. That one also was indignant: "What do you mean! Your director will be detained on each post! "
The waiter was frightened very much and approaches to the customs officer. That one looks the account and says:" Well, documents are in order. And where is money?"
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***
Relatives of an operated patient give fee to a surgeon.
- Doctor, tell please, will he live?
The surgeon replies counting money:
- Not-yet.
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***
Three customs officers sit and think of what to present the fourth one for birthday.
- Let's present Mercedes 600?
- No, he has. We present him it last birthday.
- Then let's present him a bungalow on Canary.
- No, he has.
- Oh, I find! Let’s leave him to work alone all shift as a present!
- Hey, you, are you crazy? Such an expensive gift!
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They take bribe, because they give it!
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At custom-house.
- Open the suit-case…. You say, there is nothing there ?! Tax will imposed on you because of mockery over customs house
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David Copperfield is drinking with Russian customs officer and says:
- Do you want me to show you focus?
- Yes!
- Do you see that car?
- Yes.
Copperfield:
- Hop... – there is no car.
The customs officer:
- Do you want me to show you focus? You see that car with
tinned stewed meat ?
- Yes.
- Hop (breathes on a personal seal and stamp
the declaration)... - a green peas.
***



***
A traffic police inspector could not watch Formula - 1.
He had a heart attack from greed for such speed excess
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***
Who should be bribed in order to start a struggle against corruption?
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With the purpose to eliminate corruption at the state bodies Ukraine MIA does not recommend officials to take bribe with marked denominations. The list of numbers of the marked denominations is daily updated on official site of MIA.
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What are the main differences of political corruption in Ukraine and Russia?
Ukrainian corruptioners are afraid of something, but Russian ones are afraid of nothing. Even from God. I think, the God will punish them.
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Colored Democracy is that when clever ones are obliged not only to listen to the fools’ opinions, but, as well as to be reckoned with them
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«Salute given by hand which takes bribe», - noted minister of Internal Affairs
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New service from State Road Police – Credit for bribe. Now you do not have to carry money and always worry would it be enough for officers. You can quickly get a desired credit line for any type of bribe
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Movies on the theme of corruption are broadcasted not for exposure, but for exchange of experience
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If defeat corruption, who will then administrate the country?
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Noting increases the sum of bribes more than struggle against corruption
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Officials are compelled to trim bribes because clients do not wish to leave money voluntarily
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Now a fair official is not the one who does not take a bribe, but who taking bribe fairly redeems all the promised.
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The disorder in affairs of corruption was earlier - all, who could took bribes.
And at Sidorov’s time order presents – not a single bribe will pass without Sidorov’s observance!
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- It is interesting if to bribe with false dollars, it is a bribe whether or not?
- No, this insult
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***
A stewardess suggests the passenger sitting in cabin of the first class: " For a small additional payment you can get the best place in the House of Lords ".
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«Having got acquainted closer with customs officers he at once admired State Road Police»
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***
Poster " Officials against bureaucracy and corruption! " – is the same as "rock music against drugs" or bees against honey!
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Purse or life? - asked a doctor from him before surgery
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How to become a clever, fair, honest and decent judge?

There are only four rules:
1. A clever judge accepts a bribe through the lawyer, but not directly from the defendant.
2. A fair one - appoints a measure of punishment strictly according to the list.
3. An honest one- does not hide that he takes bribes.
4. A decent one- shares (with colleagues, heads, public prosecutor,...)
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A monument to the name of "Unknown deputy" was opened at the building of State Duma.
An inscription on a monument says: YOUR NAME IS UNKNOWN, YOU DID NOT TAKE BRIBES
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Scientists held researches on corruption of officials, but they were strictly forbidden to state figures at a press conference. The question:
- How much is the official government corrupted?
The answer was:
- In percentage, on the smallest three-number integer.
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- Do you know what is taught now in high scholls?
- No, what is that?
- To give a bribe qualitatively
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The report of incidents:
Yesterday there was an emergency - police did not take a bribe. The rests was as usual: the fire station burned down, Construction building collapsed and sank a saving bathyscaphe.
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Several years ago well-known American doctor Michael Debeyki arrived to capital of Azerbaijan and agreed upon several large joint projects. At once the American ambassador in Baku warned the doctor: "Are not you afraid? There is such corruption here! " Debeyki only lightly graven up: "What you name corruption, is a national tradition here".
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- Mister public prosecutor, tell me, please, what is possible to do for a bribe?
- To Arrest
- But for greater bribe?
- To release
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Russians like to tell a joke about State Road Police officials who recently begin to service. The chief says: "Vladimir Vladimirovich, you have already worked for three months and never took the salary ". “Really, - asks the surprised, - is the salary given here too? "
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President Yushishenko was asked:
- You are paid salary in the ammount of 5000$, how come your 19 years old son drives BMW which costs 130000 Euro?
- You know, once he collected 5 Coca-Cola bottle lids and won a car...
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An official was caught red-handed on a bribe, and he justified himself:
"A bribe??? It is a card they presented me! The card that is crushed, green... devoted to hundred years of anniversary of Benjamin Franklin!"
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***
Two friends are chatting:
- So, could you get credit loan?
- No, they refused my request. It happened because while feeling the part of the form, where they ask about “Purpose of the credit” I indicated “Bribe for the state official”
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The credit cards "customs house gives OK” are released specially for the Ukrainian customs officers. Now the customs officers can accept bribes immediately to the bank account in Switzerland.
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Corruption in the government is always talked in the past
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The judge to the defendant:
- Defendant, do you know - what are you accused on?
- Yes your honor, it has appeared, that our state prints precisely same banknotes as I do…
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News of culture:
The premium of the MIA for the best work about the police was received by the television serial about the modest police officer who never took large bribes. The film is named just like this - "A three-penny commissioner"
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Public prosecutor - is a businessman who began his business from the starting capital
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Robber on the quite street stopped a man wearing an expensive suite.
-Give me your money! – saying that, he puts his knife on man’s neck
- I give you an advice not to do that, because I am civil servant!
- Oh, I see, then return me my money punk!
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The poll of CIS customs officers
- « Haw much time do you need for buying BMW? »
The Ukrainian customs officer: « Well, three months, not less ».
The Byelorussian customs officer: « Five months».
The Russian customs officer after some minutes of meditation: « Not less than five years ».
-?
- «You know, the firm is very large! »
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The customs officer while examining the suitcase of the passenger coming from the arrived flight:
-So, dear passenger , let's define, which of these are yours and which are mine.
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Grave digger returns home from work and hands money to his wife, three times more than usual
- More corpses today?-asked his wife
-No, the judge of the region is buried. We dug three times deeper than usual!
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At competition "the most fair director of the wholesale market " it has been awarded the two second and three third place. Anybody could not pay for the first place.
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Class teacher: “The subject of parents meeting”
– Beggarly salary of employees of national education.
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- Why is anticorruption struggle so passive?
- Because official who is responsible for anticorruption struggle still have not got from program on anticorruption struggle promised bribe.
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80 percent of officials agree to realize struggle against bribery, and other 20 percent do not agree to realize this struggle without them.
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According to the government, a taxpayer is someone who has what it takes
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"You're a high-priced lawyer! If I give you $500, will you answer two questions for me?"
"Absolutely! What's the second question?"
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Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up? Santa of course, because the other two don't exist!
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In our free medical establishments if you can get something free – it is only expensive illness.
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-The official refutation:
Not all politicians, officials and journalists are sold. Many had been already sold.
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-The announcement in customs house:
The bribe in size of 100 backses is estimated as oral thanks
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The Question:
- Must official to pay the member payment from all bribes?
The Answer:
- Must if he is honest official.
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In an effort to determine the top crime fighting agency in the country, the president narrowed the field to three finalist, the CIA, the FBI, and the Chicago Police.

The three remaining contenders were given the task of catching a rabbit which was released into the forest.

The CIA went into the forest. They placed animal informants throughout. They questioned all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation they concluded that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI went into the forest. After two weeks without a capture, they burned the forest killing everything in it, including the rabbit. They made no apologies. The rabbit deserved it.

The CPD went into the forest. They came out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear was yelling "Okay, Okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit".
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At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question. The prosecutor again blared, "Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" The witness still did not respond. Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."
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